Simply make your own in the fashion of peoples and cultures gone by. So, this is a little out of the ordinary on the Womb but given our overwhelming reliance on Walmart, Loblaws or what have you and most people’s abject inability to cook anything these days, it seemed prudent. Most people assume baking bread is a time consuming, complicated affair that involves flour-dusted hands, a giant bloody oven, days of preparation and a mastery of the pastry. Not true. I recently experimented with baking bread and I’m happy to announce, it was flippin’ excellent. A perfect wrapper for my midday sandwich and ideal dunker for the copious amounts of soup I am consuming in an effort to stay warm.
The recipe seems to have originated at the Sullivan Street Bakery and since being published by the New York Times has spread like wildfire. Deservedly too. I don’t know what is special about this recipe, but the product was light, chewy and with a crisp crust. Plus, baking your own bread and eating it too … it’s in direct opposition to that damn having-cake-and-eating-too cliche. Brilliant.
Probably the most disliked aspect of baking bread is all the kneading you have to do. If you’ve ever worked with dough, you’ll know it’s something best left to lesser beings with massive forearms and an unending desire to reform viscoelastic substances. No more young embryos!
First, collect the following crap:
3 cups (430g) bread flour
1.5 cups water
1/4 teaspoon yeast (1g)
1 1/4 teaspoon salt (8g)
olive oil
extra flour, wheat bran or cornmeal (for dusting)
Shit you need:
2 mixing bowls to put shit in
6 to 8 quart pot (Pyrex, cast iron or ceramic) with lid to bake the masterpiece
A spoon, or stick or someone’s sterile appendag
Plastic wrap
2 0r 3 cotton dish towels (not used, d’oh, not terrycloth)
Initial wrangling:
Mix the dry shit together (that’d be the 3 cups of flour, yeast, salt). Some people claim kosher salt is better because it doesn’t have the taste of iodine (or iodeen if you are so inclined). Personally, I’ve never tasted the iodine in my salt so I’d say go ahead and use the regular stuff. Now add the water and mix it in with the wooden spoon (or someone’s sterile appendage) for about a minute. It should turn into a right, viscoelastic blob. Coat the second bowl with the olive oil and move the blob into it. Cover it with the plastic wrap and set it aside (at room temperature) for about 12 hours (this is the overnight part). Now, if you choose to knead the dough, it reduces the wait time from 12 hours to, say, 8, but I couldn’t be bothered, this is no-knead bread after all.
Final finagling (the day after):
Remove the dough-blob (which will have expanded and grown like some parasitic alien lifeform) from the bowl and set it down on a flour-dusted counter (so it doesn’t stick). Wet your grubby paws (so the dough-blog doesn’t stick to ‘em) and fold the dough-blob. What the fuck is folding, you say? It’s simple, just grab the edges of the blog and pull them towards the center (see pic at right). The stretching is supposed to have some effect of the molecular structure of the dough, but I could care less. After folding, one side of the dough blog should be baby-bottom smooth, the other puckered like a virgin asshole (forgive the crass analogy). Leave the blob on the counter for about fifteen minutes. Meanwhile, generously coat a dish cloth with flour (or cornmeal or wheat bran) and set it on the counter. After the fifteen minutes is up, place the dough asshole-side down on the dish cloth. Dust another dish cloth with the extra flour and set it on top of the dough blog. Leave be for two hours. The blob should double in size confirming there is some delicious alien larva within.
That baking thang:
About a half hour before you hit the two-hour mark, preheat your oven to 450F-500F (230C-260C). Slip your covered pot in so that it matches the oven temperature. I shouldn’t have to mention that pots with plastic handles are not a good choice, so have your wits about you. This thing is going to get hot. Now, once you’ve confirmed your dough-blob has about doubled in side, place it puckered-asshole side up in the pot (and do handle the pot with care, dumbass). Cover the pot and bake in the oven for 30 minutes. At the half-hour mark, remove the lid and bake for a further 15 to 30 minutes (or until the crust is golden-brown). The bread is done when the crust is crispy-brown and when tapped, it sounds hollow. Once ready, remove from the oven and let cool on the counter. You’re done.
Disclaimer:
I’m a fairly decent cook (but I swear, I’m not gay). If you’re a right-cockup when it comes to cooking, I suggest you have someone supervise. Nevertheless, this is an easy recipe to follow.
Because I’m pretty much a rank amateur when it comes to writing about food, I made the colossal error of not taking pictures. I’ll remedy that when I make the bread again for Christmas. Speaking of, this is a pretty nifty thing to bring to your Christmas lunch/dinner and pretty much guaranteed to make the women swoon or men eye you hungrily. Happy eating y’all.
Additional links:
For a step-by-step guide (with pictures) you can also head to the Steamy Kitchen.
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