Editor’s note: A warm welcome to Sir Reverend Gonzo. A learnéd individual with remarkable experience in life, Reverend Gonzo begins by tackling the massive issue of whether or not global warming is worth our time.
As we all know, global warming is melting our ice caps. Well, who cares? Nobody lives in the ice caps. It’s making our winters warmer, and soon enough, Chicago will be tropical. How is this a bad thing?
Well, I’ll tell you how. There’s one person we forget about not living in the ice caps. And that, my friends, is Santa Claus.
Now, imagine you were Santa Claus and every year you left home for Christmas to deliver gifts to little African kids with AIDS, but then one year, suddenly, it’s not cold anymore up in the North Pole. No, sir, instead, it’s nice and warm. There’s rainbows in the sky and polar bears sunbathing and seals drinking margaritas. Now, you know there’s African babies with AIDS that want gifts for Christmas, but they’re so far away, and well, you could always give them gifts next year.
Santa is the same way. Of course, he would rather spend Christmas with Sandy and his elves out on a little canoe in the North Pole fishing, and so, all these African kids with AIDS wouldn’t receive their gifts.
This is and of itself is not really a problem. However, because they don’t receive their gifts, and because the don’t have parents (they died earlier from AIDS), the kids won’t have have anybody to remind them that Santa Claus exists.
Lastly, Santa lives in the hearts of little orphan children with AIDS. So, if he doesn’t give them gifts, they will stop believing in him, and his home will go away.
It is our duty to not let Santa be able to fish instead of giving gifts, and therefore it is our duty to not let the ice-caps melt.
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The questions is, though, do the seals also partake in Mojito’s in said eventuality?
Goddammit, what the fuck are you talking about?
Oh…yes, yes they do.
I love the cartoon. Briliant, if I might say so myaelf.
Goddmaint.,, I’m fucking wasted nnd i sas just told that my goddamn speling is way off the mark.
tell the spelinmg nazis,m to bite it.
tell her i love her. i’ll see you after the war, brother…
that was my ho, listen not.
Good God Reverend. I can’t make heads nor tails of what your wrote you damn schizophrenic. I thought you holy types were teetotalers?
So here’s the story:
Me and my ho stumble home after a night of drinking sangrias. I read something about seals partaking in Mojito’s in a time-warp sense or whatever the hell “eventuality” means. It makes no goddamn sense, so I right “What the fuck are you talking about?” Then realization hits, and I know it was a joke, on whether seals are drinking with Santa. So, I say, “Yes, yes they do.” Then I notice the cartoon, and it is, by god, brilliant, so I comment on that. Then my ho tells me I spelled half my words wrong. So, I mention that. Then she steals my laptop and says something about me loving her. So I steal my laptop back and say stop listening to my ho.
So, that’s the story. Not schizophrenic. Two actual fucked up people.
Hopefully Mr. Claus never gets to the point of drinking a Bahama Mama and listening to steel drums, while fishing. We might have a serious problem on our hands!
@ Reverend Gonzo: Rehashing the events that led to this debacle still doesn’t quite make sense. Ho’s stealing laptops and then correcting spelling while professing untold love. But then Sangria will do these things.
@Hea Hea: I think Santa would enjoy the tropical drinks, listen to tropical music for maybe one Christmas at the most and then move to Antarctica. No presents for one year, no big deal. Where are the halloween pics Hea Hea?
Can you change “learned” to “learnéd”? It makes me sound smarter.
Learned can be pronounced “learn-id” without a spelling change. If you want the “e” with an accent-aigu, it’ll become “learn-aid.” Whatever, learn-aid it is.
Hey now, I’m just trying to -look- smart, not -be- smart. I don’t know what these accent-aigu things you college kids are talking about.
Indeed. Who’s this ho then?
Fuck Santa Claus. you forgot to address the most disturbing part of global warming, the making a good true American Kentucky Bourbon. Kentucky Bourbon requires specific temperatures and humidity throughout it’s aging process as the relative humidity in the Midwest increase the aging process of bourbon was already been effected. they expect at current rates Kentucky will no longer be the best place to age bourbon in as little as 40 or 50 years. Think of it Ohio or Michigan bourbon or even worse yet Canadian Bourbon. I personally could not imagine a world where my grandchildren have to drink Wild Turkey that was made in Canada. Have you ever had Canadian whiskey, that shit is swell. the same holds true for Scotch, Fuck they will be distilling Scotch in fucking Iceland before we know it. I am not even going to get into what global warming is doing to the grape harvests and for that matter the wine industry. do you think the Brits know how to make wine… NO!! that is why they make fucking beer. which leads me to Hops. Hops do not grow in temperate regions, we need colder dryer weather. so all of those great German and Belgium beers, forget about them in hundred years. your grandchildren will be drinking Kentucky Bourbon from Canada, France wine from Britain, Scotch from Iceland and German Beer from fucking Alaska.
Goddamn doctors and their goddamn science. You need to write your own damn article about the effects of global warming on modern alcoholism and stop one-upping mine.
Dammit.
I gotta agree with the doctor on this one, sorry gonz.
He is right. I know he’s right. I can’t argue that. I would go ahead and make something up, but that would be sacrilege.
And I’m not about to offend the gods of hops and whiskey trees.
Hmmm, I never really considered the effects of global warming on the heritage of spirits, wine and beer. Fascinating.
Wow, you learn something new every day…
Youre all too worried about stupid african aids children, lest i have to remind you about evolution and why god created aids in the first place. if you were santa you would be fucking sick of the north pole in the winter too. santa deserves to live in a tropical paradise. Besides chances are that those aids kids would still get there damn gifts anyway. Can you think of anything better to do on a warm december night than flying around the world wasted off magaritas and mojitos throwing shit at people with aids.