I’m proud of being Third Worldian … a Third-Worlder … Third-Worldese … Thirdese-Worldian … well, I’m proud of being Indian, oft the prototypical example of a Third World country. I’m also quite a fan of the BBC World News website not the least because of its broad coverage and analysis and its fairly unbiased reporting (unlike that denizen of the tabloid-news-world, CNN).

It goes without saying, then, that when the BBC reports on some stereotypically idiosyncratic Indian news event I get somewhat aroused. Consider the following story I picked up at the BBC a few days ago (original article HERE). Yes, you read right, the deputy mayor of India’s capital city, New Delhi, was killed after being attacked by a ferocious troop of monkeys. Not only did the primates gouge the Sikh out of him, they pushed the man off the terrace to his death (or reincarnation if you are so inclined). I’m quite certain they got in a bit of urine and faeces for good measure. The monkey menace is well known in the capital city (and the rest of India to a lesser degree) but this is the first I’ve heard about a planned assassination. I mean, sure, the man probably didn’t do as much for Simian well-being as he could have, nevertheless, sending a hit squad after him bodes poorly for the state of Monkey-Man relations.

You might be wondering why we don’t just cull the cheeky primates instead of being left to scratch our asses (oh how wondrously ironic it is to write about monkeys). The answer lies in the animal’s status within the dominant religion, Hinduism. Much like the cow, monkeys are revered (a monkey god having commanded a monkey army to build a land bridge from the southern most tip of India to Sri Lanka in order to rescue an abducted princess from her seven-headed captor). Given the fervent adherence to religion many Hindus claim (especially in northern India), simply killing the rogue monkeys is not an option. Instead, the municipality has tried to repatriate the troops to less-populated surrounding areas.

The day after Bajwa’s death, the municipality sent a monkey-catcher to his house to apprehend the criminals. He returned empty-handed. Contrary to popular belief, it would appear monkey hit-squads don’t sit on their haunches. Worrying still, perhaps they don’t rest on their laurels. This might be the first in a long line of reprisal attacks, no doubt retribution for decades of horrible monkey jokes. I don’t foresee an uptick in relations for the next several decades. Indeed, there is every likelihood the situation will descend into something akin to the Palestine-Israel conflict i.e. where both parties are aggrieved and one of them throws projectiles (in this case, faeces). Note to tourists, stay the fuck away from the critters unless, like the deputy mayor, you want the Christian lynched out of you.

Soon to be in the news: Indian Mob Stones Young Monkey Couple to Death. Tis the Third World after all.

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